Tourette the wrongs

Tonight, after being with the teenagers at church, we went out and did something immature, dangerous, and completely illegal... if we had been on a plane.

You see on a plane you can't say certain words, and just knowing that makes some folks like us want to say them all that much more. It is irresistible, and so we went out tonight and yelled out as many of those words as possible so they would be out of our system for the plane trip tomorrow.

For those of you wondering what you can and can't say on an airplane, here is a list of the banned words:

• Bomb
• Dynamite
• Explosive
• Explode
• Blast
  
• Boom
• Bang
• Pow
• Zip
• Kapow
• Crash
• Whonk
• Knife
• Sword
  
• Liquid
• Fingernail clipper
• Milk
• Phalange
  
• Legendary

Hopefully we'll keep our tongues in check tomorrow. Wish us luck, and if you know of any other banned words please let us know.

I've got a bad feeling about this...

We've been getting a lot of questions about a previous blog reference to Stephanie, a showgirl Jason was married to. Since a lot of our readers may not know about this brief and regrettable time in his life, here is the story.

About 3 years ago Jason went to Las Vegas on a business trip. Not being a golfer or a gambler, he decided to take in a show, and was ecstatic to discover there was a brief run of Star Wars: The Musical being shown at a downtown casino. Tickets were relatively cheap, but being the über-geek that he is Jason tipped the guy as he came in and got a front row seat. The show was mesmerizing. There were singing robots, flashy space sequences, a great dance number with lightsabers, and of course, the big finish with a Death Star explosion that left the audience covered in gold confetti and on their feet demanding an encore. Jason was smitten.

Right before the trash compactor scene there was a dance number where 30 female stormtroopers came on stage and did an elaborate cha-cha before being shot by Han and Chewie. Seeing so many lovely ladies in stormtrooper garb fulfilled a fantasy for Jason that he didn't know existed. After the show he hung around and was able to make his way backstage to meet some of the actors.

Most of the actors were kind and signed a few autographs but quickly went home. It was late and this was just another gig. One of the stormtroopers, however, continued to hang around and struck up a conversation with Jason. Using courage he normally lacks he asked her out for drinks, and soon the two were conversing in the casino lounge over a couple root beers.

Turns out the trooper, whose name was Stephanie, was a big Star Wars fan and had moved to Vegas a few weeks earlier after losing her job as a costume designer at a theatre in Gasket, Texas. Small towns just can't sustain theatres it seems anymore. Moving to Vegas she planned on working as a designer on some of the shows when she saw the opening for a dancer in Star Wars: The Musical. She had always liked dancing and decided to take a risk.

Fate seemed to be working to bring Jason and Stephanie together and they spent the next two days together in a whirlwind romance. The two Star Wars-struck lovers found themselves falling more hopelessly in love as they took in the Grand Canyon, roller coasters, the wildlife refuge, and a surprisingly good buffet at the Golden Nugget for only $9.99. Standing in front of the fountains at Bellagio, Jason proposed and Stephanie said yes.


The next few hours were a blur for the couple as they planned and executed the wedding. Stephanie designed and sewed together a beautiful but simple white dress while Jason was able to find and rent a formal stormtrooper uniform for the occasion. Vows were exchanged and the couple had just enough time to kiss and return the outfit before Jason had to make his plane at the airport and fly back home.

Unfortunately the Force was not with the couple and the days following were a rude awakening to the reality of what they had done. Jason was unable to get any more time off from work for the rest of the year to visit Stephanie and she was not willing to move to Virginia where there were no job openings for a costume designer in Jason's small hometown. Hurried and disjointed phone calls in the middle of the night finally culminated in a joint decision to end the marriage. The final straw was their difference of opinion on Ewoks. Jason found them annoying like Jar-Jar Binks while Stephanie thought they were cute and cuddly. Three weeks after it had begun the marriage was annulled.

Jason is rather quiet about this time in his life, reticent to bring it up. In the subsequent three years he hasn't had a relationship and in fact hasn't even had a date. His marriage to Stephanie both fulfilled his wildest dreams and justified his fears about being able to sustain a long term commitment. This trip back to Vegas will surely bring back memories for Jason, good and bittersweet, but he has made a personal promise to keep looking forward and not back. Channeling his experience he plans to be wary of making a similar mistake again and make sure Jay doesn't do the same.

Vegas is home of Star Trek: The Experience you know.

Food for thought

I can't wait to get there and try some of those buffets! They have prime rib, jumbo shrimp, New York strip, crab legs, and desserts that will make your head spin. Believe you me, Jason, it is going to be... wait for it... wait for it... legendary!

- Jay

As many of our poll voters have already noted, we like to eat. If you've never seen Jay devour 60 jumbo shrimp at Bogen's then you've missed a gastrointestinal feat. Our concern is the fact that overindulgence can be considered a sin, gluttony.

"Do not join those who drink too much wine or gorge themselves on meat."

- Proverbs 23:20

The honest truth is this is going to be a tough one for the two of us. We're not used to gambling or attention from women so we won't be tempted to indulge in those things out of routine. We do, however, enjoy eating. This temptation will only be harder to resist when Jay discovers there is a Krispy Kreme at our hotel.

So what are we to do? Our spiritual guide book suggests fasting may help heighten our meditation, but being in the desert heat makes fasting a dangerous activity. Then we remembered the old story about the young boy whose father found out he had been chewing tobacco. The father was upset, but rather than tell the boy not to do it again he sat down and forced the son to finish off an entire bag of Red Man snuff. The boy kept putting more and more of the gooey tobacco leaves into his mouth until he began gagging and eventually threw up. Sick as he had ever been in his life, the young man never touched chewing tobacco again.

That's our plan. We are going to gorge ourselves on as many buffets, dessert shops, and deep fried Twinkies as possible. The goal is to get so sick of the food we will never want to overindulge again.

Wish us luck!

Gambling is a sin!

As you may well know, gambing is a sin. As you also may know there is a substantial amount of gambling in Las Vegas. In addition to blackjack, roulette, poker, and go fish tables there are slot machines everywhere across the city. They are in the airport, in convenience stores, in the elevators, attached to showgirls' costumes (so we are told), and even in the bathrooms. The last fact is simultaneously disturbing and makes flushing easier.

So what are a couple righteous dudes like us to do? We have taken it upon ourselves to educate others on the sin of gambling by telling everyone we know (which now includes you, faithful reader) the following facts about gambling:

• You lose money
• It is impossible to pray while sitting at poker table
• Repetitive slot machine usage causes rotator cuff injuries
• There is a proliferation of profanity when hanging around "craps" tables
• Prolonged dice throwing causes unsightly acne on the face
• Gambers are rewarded with free alcohol, another vice to avoid
• Every hour spent looking at a slot machine takes away a year of your life span
• Playing roulette makes you less attractive to the opposite sex
• Money won cannot be spent in the United States
• God knows when you gamble

With all of this scientifically proven data it is easy to see how important it is that we be shining examples to those around us and not throw our money away in the casinos while in Vegas. Don't gamble with your immortal soul, folks!

That said, we're happily willing to gamble your money for you. Sometimes the best way for folks to learn is to fail. That's not to say you'll lose your money. Earlier this year Jason played the slots for a friend and gave her back five times the amount she gave him. So if you want to press your luck, give Jay or Jason some cash before Monday and we'll play the odds for you.

Good luck!

To Manilow or not to Manilow

One of the burning questions we are asked is whether or not we are going to see Barry Manilow while in Vegas. The Grammy, Emmy and Tony award winner is performing his show, Music and Passion, at the Las Vegas Hilton and has gotten some great reviews.

It seems like Barry would be the perfect thing for us to see. He's a cheesy Caucasian male and we're a couple cheesy Caucasian males. Barry has a made a living out of people laughing at him and Jay and Jason have made a ministry out of Youth laughing at them. Most fittingly Barry's Copacabana was the inspiration for Jason's ill-fated marriage to Vegas showgirl Stephanie a couple years ago.

However there are several factors that make us reconsider going to the show of the man who writes the songs that make the whole world sing. First off is cost. It is hard to justify spending $225 per ticket when that money could be used to help the needy, like the many Vegas regulars with painful rotator cuff injuries from pulling on the slot machine handles repetitively. Those poor souls... literally. In addition the demographic at Manilow concerts is mainly middle-aged women and the good Lord knows we don't need that type of female temptation. Finally we don't own the type of shiny clothes necessary to fit in at such a spectacle.

In the end we have regretfully decided not to go see Barry Manilow. The reasons not to go barely outweigh the reasons to go, but the deciding factor was that Barry isn't performing in Vegas the week we are there.

Maybe we'll get the DVD instead.

Packing for the trip

As we get ready for our trip, it becomes important to make sure we bring along all the necessities we need. Sure, we've got our toothbrushes and an extra pair of underwear, but what other amenities will we need?

Some things we are considering:

• Computer (for communicating with you, our family and friends)


• Marshmallow blowguns (for fending off the advances of beautiful women trying to tempt us to sin)


• Lots of cash (so we can get a taxi ride to the nearest church)


• Holy water (to fend off vampires or desert thirst)


• Reese's miniature peanut butter cups ('cause they taste so good!)

What else should we bring? Be sure to let us know!

Temptation vs. righteousness